Defective, Return to Sender by Zee Krstic

I wasn’t supposed to be home
but yet I was destined to be
it was set in stone
written in the stars
unable to be changed

I felt sick
or at least that’s what I told the school
But I was beyond sick

A white wall, spray painted
with illegible hopes and dreams
An overexposed photo
only containing the outlines of the subject.

I could still remember the feeling
of disgust, nausea, abhorrence

My mother taught
me not to talk to strangers
To look before crossing
The bunny ears on my shoes
The neat folds of my bed

But what did she teach me about you?
How was I to know
the glint of your eyes
black as night

How was I to know
the signs of danger
the hoax of friendship
of love.

I lost it to you
Eventually, more than just it
I was disappointed
Until my PMS didn’t kick in

It was the best feeling
knowing I was worth something larger than
just myself.
A vessel
carrying the most precious cargo
amongst a horrid tempest

I was ecstatic
The feeling was truly melodramatic
Until the doctor called.

They took some blood
when I went in for the ultrasound
violent red, I remember

He said I was sick
Sick? How could this
feeling be tainted

The report came in, and it was set
I was positive
one test
determined I was filthy
And Inside Death Sailed,
freely.

My skin itched,
it was on fire
contaminated, ruined

And when the pills ran out
When I drank my parent’s wine in the cold basement
My mind, my soul, my heart
was ready to depart.

Even though I was gone,
far away in a land where this didn’t happen
my hands did things
to end the pain, struggle;
an imperfect ending.

I thought of my mother
and of what she would do
what she would say
if she had the chance

I thought of my father
the man i never knew
would he cry?
would he ask why?

Like the most precious jewels,
it felt comfortable around my neck
and I felt my feet
take their final step
plunging into the deepest of unknowns

The memories flashed before my eyes
fading, slowly
like the feeling in my body
draining into worlds above
Capsized, water fills the lungs
Burning at first
It is cool, comforting
Fading into sublime darkness.